Unit 3: Get Clear on Consent.
IN THIS LESSON
For too long, we’ve only talked about consent as it relates to sex.
But actually, we’re constantly asking for, giving, and receiving consent in our everyday lives. (and if we aren’t yet, we should be). Consent is related to all of the behaviors we engage with related to someone else.
Just think about it. We ask for consent to:
Borrow someone else’s phone
Share a bite of a meal
Switch shows on Netflix
Sit next to someone on a bench
Consent is for everyone. For all behaviors. All the time. What does that mean for you? That means that when you’re wanting to engage in any type of behavior with another person you need to ask them if it’s okay. And then, you need to listen to and respect their response. They may say “yes, great!” They may also say, “No, not really.” And then it’s important that you reply by saying something like, “Okay, no problem.”
Ask for consent. Respect their response.
Many people find the concept of FRIES (developed by Planned Parenthood) to be helpful in understanding consent. Take a look at the graphic to your right.
Consent should always be:
Free from pressure (that means if a person feels like they have to say yes, they aren’t really giving consent)
Reversible at any time (this means a person can always change their mind)
Enthusiastic and clear (both verbally and nonverbally)
With your grown-up, take a look at the three scenarios below. Decide together if the person described has consent, and then click the plus sign to determine if you have the answer:
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Shawn doesn’t have consent. If they grabbed Juliette’s hand without asking or checking in, there isn’t consent. Another way to do this is to hold out a hand to another person and say, “do you want to?”
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This doesn’t feel like consent. If someone is expecting physical touch because they’re owed something (in this case, they paid for snacks), a person’s consent isn’t free from pressure. Baylen should have said, “Can I give you a kiss before you head home?” (and probably, shouldn’t have expected a kiss after paying for snacks!)
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No, this isn’t consent! It’s not okay to send someone a nude image without asking if that’s something they want to receive. And, it’s never okay to pressure or request that someone to send a nude to you. Not only is that harassment, it could also be breaking the law in some states.
Pause here and talk with your adult about the following two discussion questions (and don’t stress, these questions aren’t about sexual behaviors, they’re about any behaviors).
How does it feel to ask someone for consent to do something? Okay or awkward? When it feels awkward, what are some things you can do or remember to make it less so?
How does it feel when someone says no? What are some things you can do if that response makes you feel upset?
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
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A one-pager of information from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center. Find it here.