Starting Conversations & Answering Questions

The more frequently and openly we talk about sexuality with kids, the healthier they are. Talking with kids early about sexuality establishes you as a trusted adult and enables youth to build attitudes and values around positive sexuality, build comfort in discussing all aspects of sexual wellbeing, and removes feelings of stigma and shame. General tips are below, find age-specific resources and guidance in our free, age-by-age, Parent Planners. Or, for a super easy way to start a conversation today, use our Positive Sexuality Conversation Generator.

We know it can be uncomfortable to answer questions kids ask that you may not be prepared to answer. And, that’s okay. It’s not your job to know it all, but it is your job to respond in ways that maintain open communication.

Starting Conversations

Sexuality is more than sex.

Although it’s likely that we grew up thinking about “sex ed” as the mechanics of reproduction and birth (and sometimes how to prevent it), sexuality education refers to all aspects of our reproduction, gender, sexual orientation, and the relationships and dynamics that surround our relationships with others. This list includes many additional topics that kids develop attitudes and values about, often at an early age: anatomy, consent, boundaries, romantic relationships, communicating with a partner gender, sexual orientation, and pleasure. In our digital age, this expands to sexting, pornography, and digital communication. For recommendations on where to get started, review our Parent Planners for each age group.

Avoiding the conversation is also communication about sex.

Many people are uncomfortable talking about sex with their kids. The main reasons for this are because: adults are worried they don’t know the answer, their kids aren’t developmentally ready, and parents feel uncomfortable. When parents avoid discussing sex, teens feel closed off from important and reliable information. When you choose not to have critical conversations, kids are still learning about sex, but they’re learning that it’s something that your family doesn’t talk about, or it’s shameful or bad, and they will likely seek information from less reliable sources. Check out these simple and helpful videos from Amaze.org with tips on building your comfort in talking more.

Start small and gain confidence.

Committing to having positive and proactive conversations about sex doesn’t mean that you have to start at the deep end. Start where you feel comfortable, whether it’s explaining diverse families, or that most boys have a penis and most girls have a vulva, or even, that it’s okay to say no to hugs and kisses from family members you don’t want. The more often you talk, you’re letting your child know that you’re a trusted adult they can come to for answers. All conversations about sexuality, even small ones, normalize talking about it in safe and positive ways in your family.

Clarify your own values about sex.

We all have values about sex (and not just about when it’s the right time for the first time), and talks about sexuality should include values as much as facts. It’s important to think about your values around various aspects of sexuality, and consider how you might communicate those values to the kids you care for as part of these conversations. To prepare, consider where you might fall on some of the following value statements. (Check out our newly released values exercise related to Puberty changes, here and one related to preschool age kids here!) If you’re ready, also consider what influenced many of your own values. It may be that they were based on generational differences, religion, or are rooted in bias about gender, sexuality, or race, and those influences are important to explore. This video from amaze.org is a great starting place to explore how you might share your values in conversation.

Answering Questions

Consider your first reaction.

The most important thing you can do when your kid asks a question about sexuality is to remain warm, calm, and approachable. Immediately responding in a way that shuts the question down such as, “we don’t talk about that,” “don’t say those things,” “you’ll figure it out when you’re older” or wincing, laughing, or shhh-ing tells kid that you’re not someone they can talk to about sexuality, love, and relationships. Your first reaction can often open doors to more frequent conversations or no conversations at all.

It’s okay to not know.

You likely won’t be great at this the first few times around. It’s okay. What matters most is how you communicate warmth, and a willingness to talk. Especially as your child gets older, and the answers become more nuanced and technical, consider using reputable resources to find answers together. Some starting places are:

Simplify by age.

Most topics that make you nervous actually boil down to simple, age-appropriate answers. Take a look at some quick and easy responses for a 3-6 year old below:

  • Body Parts: Most boys have a penis and most girls have vulvas.

  • Sexual Orientation: Some people fall in love with people who are a different gender than they are and some people fall in love with people who are the same gender as they are.

  • Pregnancy: Babies grow in the uterus. Sometimes they come out of the vagina and sometimes a person needs surgery to gently pull the baby out.

As kids get older, you can add complexity and layers. Here’s how one of the responses may look different for a 10-12 year old:

  • Sexual Orientation: Sexual orientation describes the gender of the person you are romantically attracted to. Being heterosexual means being attracted to people of different genders and being gay or lesbian, means being attracted to people of the same gender. Some people aren’t romantically attracted to others at all.

If you’re seeking helpful information about sex, gender, expression, and sexuality in approachable chunks, visit The Gender Unicorn.

Think ahead and practice.

Download our 5 Foundations Journal to you a chance to think your responses to many common kid questions. Consider what values and messages you want to share with your children. Try giving an answer out loud the next time you’re alone on your way to work, or getting ready in the morning just to hear yourself say it out loud.