Answering Questions about Sexuality
We get it. It can be uncomfortable to answer questions kids ask that you may not be prepared to answer. And, that’s okay. It’s not your job to know it all, but it is your job to respond in ways that maintain open communication. Review our tips, and sample response questions to best prepare for when kids ask questions. General tips are below, find age-specific resources and guidance in our free, age-by-age, Parent Planners.
Consider your first reaction.
The most important thing you can do when your kid asks a question about sexuality is to remain warm, calm, and approachable. Immediately responding in a way that shuts the question down such as, “we don’t talk about that,” “don’t say those things,” “you’ll figure it out when you’re older” or wincing, laughing, or shhh-ing tells kid that you’re not someone they can talk to about sexuality, love, and relationships. Your first reaction can often open doors to more frequent conversations or no conversations at all.
It’s okay to not know.
You likely won’t be great at this the first few times around. It’s okay. What matters most is how you communicate warmth, and a willingness to talk. Especially as your child gets older, and the answers become more nuanced and technical, consider using reputable resources to find answers together. Some starting places are:
Sex Positive Families (they offer great puberty workshops that families and teens can take together)
Think ahead and practice.
Take a look at some common questions that kids ask and think about how you might answer these if and when you have the opportunity. Consider what values and messages you want to share with your children. Try giving an answer out loud the next time you’re alone on your way to work, or getting ready in the morning just to hear yourself say it out loud.
Simplify by age.
Most topics that make you nervous actually boil down to simple, age-appropriate answers. Take a look at some quick and easy responses for a 3-6 year old below:
Body Parts: Most boys have a penis and most girls have vulvas.
Sexual Orientation: Some people fall in love with people who are a different gender than they are and some people fall in love with people who are the same gender as they are.
Pregnancy: Babies grow in the uterus. Sometimes they come out of the vagina and sometimes a person needs surgery to gently pull the baby out.
As kids get older, you can add complexity and layers. Here’s how one of the responses may look different for a 10-12 year old:
Sexual Orientation: Sexual orientation describes the gender of the person you are romantically attracted to. Being heterosexual means being attracted to people of different genders and being gay or lesbian, means being attracted to people of the same gender. Some people aren’t romantically attracted to others at all.
If you’re seeking helpful information about sex, gender, expression, and sexuality in approachable chunks, visit The Gender Unicorn.