Comfortable and Confident

Okay, we admit it: our late night Tiktok scrolls led to something useful (rare, we know). A creator was talking about their experience as staff at a retail store dressing room and shared that he overheard what he assumed to be a mother-daughter pair. For every piece of clothing the daughter tried on, the mother asked, “How does it make you feel? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel confident?”

That simple re-frame has stayed with us for several years, shaping the recommendations we share in our parent workshops, and even in our own families. Here’s why it makes so much sense:

When we say things like, “Oh, that’s so flattering!” or “It really slims your waist/thighs/arms/” or “You look so good in that color!” it means we’re talking with our kids about how they’re being perceived by others. (and oftentimes, we’re upholding outdated and patriarchal expectations of body type and beauty standards).

What’s more important is that we encourage our kids to center themselves in their appearance, and ask them how they feel in their clothes. When our kids have the freedom and support to feel most like themselves in their clothing and appearance, it impacts how they show up in their world. Asking about comfort lets youth think through whether their clothes are functional for their most important activities and asking about confidence gives them autonomy to decide what they think looks and feels good. And, it releases them from considering how they’re being perceived by others.

So, the next time you find yourself in front of a mirror with your kid forcing them to try on clothes because they’re growing fast than you can keep up with, say instead, “How does that make you feel? If you’t feel comfortable, let’s not get it.” or “We can return that if you want, let me know how it feels on you.”

Good luck out there.